Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Randomize
