my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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