Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
