I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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