happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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