forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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