shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
