My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
