Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
