First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
