I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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