you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
