She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
