Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
