From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
