question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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