Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
