I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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