Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
