Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
