his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
