Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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