just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
