paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
