My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
