If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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