he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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