have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
