i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Randomize
