So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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