Please, let me fuck your mom
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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