"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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