ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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