Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
