i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
