Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
