He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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