when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
