Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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