you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
