There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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