you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
