I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
