I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
