So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
