When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
