I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
