i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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