I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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