She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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