I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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