I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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