i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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