it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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