Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
