So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
