I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
