I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.