I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
