I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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