he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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