Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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